


At the Foot of the Teton Range

by Nigaki



Series: Tamed West [6]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Arthur Morgan Has Low Self-Esteem, First Kiss, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, MorstonWeek2020, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25801738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigaki/pseuds/Nigaki
Summary: He was alive. He was alive and he came back and now everyone was happy.Arthur was happy too, a ton of weight that was crushing his chest this whole year was finally lifted from him and he could breathe again. Because John was alive and he came back.
Relationships: John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: Tamed West [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585225
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52
Collections: Morston Week 2020





	At the Foot of the Teton Range

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so happy to be able to participate in Morston Week! I love those two so much and I can't wait to see all those beautiful fanfictions people will write for them!

At first Arthur was sure he was still dreaming when he heard a familiar raspy voice and then a sudden eruption of joy. Grumpily, he made his way out of the cot and walked towards the sound at the edge of the camp. He froze when he saw John Marston himself surrounded by every gang member. He was alive. He was alive and he came back and now everyone was happy.

Arthur was happy too, a ton of weight that was crushing his chest this whole year was finally lifted from him and he could breathe again. Because John was alive and he came back.

But the relief lasted only a few seconds, quickly replaced by anger that he was nursing inside ever since the worry after John’s disappearance weakened enough for other emotions to take control. Anger subdued eventually too, replaced by sadness but now it was back with all its strength.

John came back but he was laughing like nothing happened. No one asked where he was, what he was doing back, everyone just accepted his return and didn’t probe, acting like he was gone just for a week not the whole year. That bastard had no right to laugh now, not after he left his whole family without a word. After he left his woman and a child.

“Arthur, look who’s back!” Javier shouted, noticing him and bringing all the attention on him.

John turned his head towards him so fast he almost broke his neck. His and Arthur’s eyes met and for a short moment, Arthur felt happy again. His heart started beating faster when John sent him that stupid, tender smile.

He had no right to be smiling.

The rage raised in Arthur again. He clenched his fists and marched towards the gathering, his friends moving out of the way, John completely oblivious to his anger, just happy to see him after a year. Or maybe he was just at peace with what was going to happen.

Arthur gave him the chance to explain himself, to say something. But the first words that escaped John’s mouth weren’t what he wanted to hear.

“Hi, Arthur.”

Arthur smiled bitterly and punched him, sending him to the ground. Some people around them gasped and then there was silence, interrupted only by Arthur’s heavy breaths while he tried to stop the sobs.

John held his rapidly swelling cheek and looked at Arthur. There was no witty comeback on his tongue like always, there was no smugness in his eyes, just sadness and guilt. Arthur was glad he was hurt. He deserved it after Arthur was hurt for the whole year.

Arthur didn’t say anything, nobody said anything and he and John watched each other for a few more seconds before Arthur turned and walked away towards the horses. He saddled Boadicea and rode off not stopped by anyone, not even by John.

It hurt, even if he didn’t want to see the younger man right now.

* * *

John was here to stay, that much he said to Dutch who threw a party to welcome his prodigal son. Arthur didn’t participate. When he came back to the camp in the middle of the night, he stayed away from all the laughter and joy. He only came closer to grab himself a beer and nursed it alone, watching the party with anger.

Why were they so happy? John betrayed them, left them without telling anything, now he returned and is welcomed like a king, getting the best food and drinks. Davey patted him on the arm, saying something that made John laugh. Everyone else laughed with him and Arthur wanted to punch all of them for treating it so lightly, like nothing happened.

It's not that Arthur wanted him to get killed, which was the punishment for betraying the gang. But he didn’t expect such a big party, not right away. It was like nobody cared that John left, that he hurt his family.

Arthur tightened his grip on the beer and drank the rest of the bottle in one go. When he looked back at the party, John was looking at him. The feeling of relief sparked inside Arthur’s chest again, only to be soon crashed by anger that still wasn’t sustained.

He turned his gaze away first, feeling John still looking at him but not for long. When Arthur looked back, Marston was back to getting drunk.

Around his third bottle, Arthur noticed he wasn’t the only one sitting alone. Abigail didn’t take part in the celebration either but that was understandable, she had a child to take care of, barely a two years old boy whose father abandoned him, not even giving the parenting a chance.

Arthur was taking care of her and the boy while John was gone. He wasn’t the only one, everyone helped as much as they could but he was the only one with any experience with small children like that. And he felt responsible for this mess Marston left behind.

It would’ve been so easy to take Jack as his own, raise him like he couldn’t raise Isaac. But Abigail, while grateful for him being there, didn’t want that. She only wanted John to come back and grow up to be a father.

Arthur didn’t want to step up as the boy's father either. He feared he would only try to replace his own boy. But part of him was disappointed. Not only because he wanted to be a father again, but also because Abigail’s wishes confirmed she still loved John, even after what he’d done. And if she loved him, Arthur had no right to steal him from her like he desperately wanted ever since he first found out they slept together. They had a child, Abigail deserved – needed – John more than him.

He had his chance already and he blew it. For the exactly same reason as he would do it now if John asked again. 

“You’re not gonna talk to him?”

Arthur looked up at Hosea who sat down next to him on the grass.

“No,” he answered simply.

Together, they watched the party that was no close to an end.

“I thought you missed him,” Hosea spoke again. Arthur felt his eyes on himself but didn’t turn, even if his father could probably see the tears in his eyes anyway.

He tried to hide it with anger, putting as much of it in his voice as he could but all that came out was dejection and bitterness.

“He didn’t even apologize,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “He just came back and suddenly there is a party because that idiot didn’t get himself killed during this one year.”

“You didn’t exactly give him a chance to apologize before you decided to punch his teeth out,” Hosea noticed.

“He wouldn’t even have to apologize in the first place if he didn’t run off,” Arthur growled and stood up, walking away to hide somewhere else.

He didn’t want to talk about this, not with Hosea, not with anyone. And certainly not with Marston.

* * *

Even after a year, the gang was still carrying John’s tent with them. Like a mother keeping her missing child’s favorite blanket in case the baby would ever be returned to her. It was up and ready to use the next morning, with the help of some of the boys, Susan set it up and welcomed John back again. John smiled and thanked her.

Arthur watched it with a scowl, still angry. He doubted he would ever stop after John just abandoned them like that. He would be more willing to forgive him if Marston wasn’t so cheery about being back, not carrying what Arthur might have been feeling this whole year or now.

John still hasn’t apologized to anyone. Nobody but Arthur expected that from him, nobody held him accountable for what he did. Arthur was alone in this, just like he was alone in his pain when John was gone. Others missed John too, but not like him. They didn’t hear what he heard before John was gone. If there was one person that understood what he was going through, it was Abigail. If she even had time to be angry or sad about John’s disappearance when she had a child to take care of.

Arthur envied her distraction. He tried to find one for himself, he was going hunting as much as he could, robbing, working his ass off only to not think about John, where he was, if he was even alive. His journal laid abandoned in the chest near his bed because every time he tried to draw something, it was Marston’s stupid face.

He couldn’t look at it then and he couldn’t look at it now either.

He waited the whole day but there was no apology the day after John’s return. That was telling Arthur everything he needed to know.

* * *

Right after they realized John was gone, Arthur and the others went looking for him. They knew it was useless, that John left at night and was far away by then and probably didn’t want to be found. He left for a reason, everyone sure that the reason was Jack. Only partially. The other reason was Arthur’s last words to John. He could still feel their sour taste on his tongue. He still regretted them. After discovering John’s disappearance, Arthur desperately wanted to go back in time and take those words back.

But all he could do was look for John. 

He continued looking even after others stopped. The gang stayed in one place longer than usual because Arthur left for a whole month, looking for Marston everywhere, fearing that one of these days he would only find his dead body, if even that.

John vanished. Wherever he went, he was way ahead of Arthur, who eventually came back to the camp, defeated and finally letting his tears flow.

The gang moved but Arthur never stopped looking around and asking for John. He never heard anything, which fed his fear of finding Marston dead. He never did. It was giving him some hope that John was still alive there somewhere, but he also knew that if he was, then Arthur wouldn’t find him until John would want to be found. Or if he decided to come back himself.

Which he did. He didn’t change much, he still had greasy hair, his waist still was thin and shoulders wide, maybe even more so. It was like he never left, only the scars on Arthur’s heart were telling otherwise. And John did nothing to patch them up.

The day after his return, John just spent talking to others, listening to what happened during the whole year he was gone. When someone kept asking what he was doing, John was responding vaguely, never going into details. It was only making Arthur angrier. He disappeared for the whole year, the least he could do was tell them where he was and what he was doing but he couldn’t even do that. He just didn’t care. Didn’t care people missed him, worried about him. He just cared about himself.

Another day without apology passed. Arthur was both glad and pissed because of that. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t punch John again if he tried to talk, but he didn’t even try that, confirming that the family was nothing to him.

It was hard to believe after their last talk but it made sense. John was just a kid and just like Arthur suspected almost a year ago, John’s feelings weren’t the same as Arthur’s. They never were. Arthur knew that even back then, he told John just so and the younger man denied, promising it was permanent, it was forever.

It looked like Arthur was right all along.

It was just temporary. A young love that passed within a year. Arthur was glad he didn’t believe John then, that he didn’t act like a fool and jumped at the opportunity, even if he wanted too. Otherwise he would’ve been hurt much more than he already was. 

John didn’t care. Whatever he felt, it wasn’t strong enough to even make him apologize. Dutch raised them as brothers, Arthur always thought of them as best friends.

It felt right now like they weren’t even that anymore.

* * *

Abigail was happy with John’s return. She was sure he came back to create a family with her but the boy still didn’t care about being a husband and a father. So why the hell did he come back?

* * *

After a week, the anger burned out. It exhausted him and he didn’t find any more strength in him to keep it going. He felt relieved again because John was here and he was staying. Arthur missed him too much to be angry at him forever. But he was still hurt and he certainly let John know he wasn’t welcomed. That bastard deserved to be hurt more.

They were often catching each other staring, only to quickly turn away their heads. Sometimes John’s eyes lingered longer and Arthur could see regret in them. Now that the anger subdued, he was realizing John wasn’t as indifferent towards all of this as he thought he was. Arthur heard hushed conversation with Dutch one night, how John finally apologized to him and Hosea. He saw John walking around, deep in his thoughts, looking tired and interacting with others only when they asked first. And he was seeing that damn regret in his eyes like right now, in the late evening.

Arthur stayed away from John this whole week, only watching from afar. John wasn’t stupid enough to try to talk to him either.

This time it wasn’t different. John was sitting with others but he was distracted, speaking only ever so often and neve laughing with others. Arthur’s silent treatment was eating him alive, that was obvious, not only to Arthur himself but to others as well. Hosea and Dutch scolded him with their looks a couple of times, giving him a sign that he should talk with John finally.

He wanted to, but he also wanted John to come to him first, show that Arthur was wrong and that he cared about what he put his family through after all. But knowing John, he was probably scared and it was on Arthur to start the conversation first.

Before John could go to sleep that night, Arthur approached him. It was the first time since a week when he was so close, the regret in John’s eyes was even more visible from such a small distance.

Arthur gulped and tossed a rifle and the shocking boy. John almost didn’t catch it but he did and looked confused at Arthur.

“We’re going hunting in the morning,” Arthur just said and turned, but not before he saw the scared expression on John’s face. The younger man looked like he was afraid he would get shot during that hunting.

Arthur was considering it.

* * *

Sun wasn’t up yet when Arthur and John left the camp, rifles on their arms, food in their saddlebags to sustain them for a week if they wouldn’t catch anything to eat. They rode in silence for four hours, getting away from any civilization.

The gang was in Wyoming, between two mountain ranges. The two of them were heading towards Teton.

Arthur had no idea what they were going to hunt if anything at all. He wanted to use hunting as an opportunity to talk but so far, they didn’t share a word and it was both angering and nerve-wracking.

John wasn’t going to say anything first, that much was clear. But Arthur didn’t know what he should say either. _Where have you been?_ _Why did you really leave? Do you still love me or was it all bullshit?_ He wanted to ask about so much but he was scared of an answer. _I lived with a woman for a year. I left because I hate you. I never loved you._

Instead of asking all that, Arthur asked if he was seeing anything. Apart from telling John they were going hunting, those were the first words he spoke to him since almost a year. It felt wrong, he wanted to puke because of how wrong it was but he couldn’t force himself to say anything else, something that he longed to say.

“No,” John answered quietly, like a frightened child.

It was breaking Arthur’s heart to pieces, even more so than it already was broken. John hasn't spoken like that for years now, ever since he first felt safe in this new home, when strangers that saved him turned into a family.

In that moment, Arthur realized there was no one in the camp that was hurt like him, because the only person that did was gone.

Now he was back and Arthur was never more relieved.

“Well, you were never good at hunting.”

Those words came to live naturally, slipped from his tongue with ease, without any burning he was feeling in his throat whenever he thought about asking more important questions. But this was easy, it was bickering they were used too. One of the things he missed and he was glad to have back.

John looked at him like he wasn’t sure if it was a trap or a genuine teasing. Arthur didn’t have strength in him to smile but he hoped his eyes were enough to convince the other man. When John snorted and looked away with a smile, Arthur felt like he just finished a one year journey through the desert and he could finally drink.

“Shut up,” John told him, a relieved smile on his face.

They were okay. Not perfect, but okay. And it was fine for now. They had a whole week to reconnect.

* * *

“What are we hunting anyway?” John asked when they moved again, without any clear destination. They just rode on their horses like many times before. It was good to spend time together again, talk, just be with each other. The tension caused by John leaving and the talk they had before that was still present like a cage around Arthur’s chest, allowing him to breath but not as deep as he wanted.

There was still something missing in their relationship. Maybe it would always be like that from now on, maybe there was no return from the damage this last year caused. If so, Arthur was still happy to finally breathe, even like that, than to suffocate every day.

“I have no idea,” Arthur admitted, content with just riding, with John’s. After a year of not knowing if he was even alive and a week of being angry, he wanted to enjoy what he missed all this time.

“You used to be more prepared for hunts,” John noticed, a lightness in his voice slipping past any defense Arthur built around himself in the past week to not get hurt again. 

“We’ll kill what shows up next.”

“What if it’ll be the other hunter?”

Arthur looked at him, at his stupid grin that was always on his face whenever he was saying a stupid joke. With each second of hesitation from Arthur, the grin was becoming smaller, John was taking a step back, hiding again, avoiding confrontation to not make things worse. Arthur reached to him immediately.

“We kill and rob the fool,” he answered and John’s grin was back to its original size. “What, you forget how to be an outlaw?”

“Never.”

John kept smiling. Arthur didn’t even try to stop a corner of his mouth lifting.

* * *

“How did you find us?”

They were riding for hours, with a small break for horses and themselves to eat something, the hunt forgotten. Both of them didn’t try to pretend that this week away was about catching some animal. They talked about small things, avoiding any big topics till now.

John watched him with a blank face but his eyes were open like always. He was afraid again, now they were entering the new territory, the one they were avoiding for the last week.

“I mean,” Arthur continued to ease John’s nerves a little. “You’re a terrible tracker.”

John chuckled. Somehow it was more genuine than all those full body laughs he was giving everyone for the past week in the camp.

“Not so terrible if I found you,” he pointed out with pride. He should be proud, it probably wasn’t easy to track them. Still, Arthur would’ve preferred if John didn’t have to track them at all. “I followed your jobs. Few dead bodies you left behind. I was travelling faster than you and I know where Dutch like to stay so when I heard you robbed a bank at the border of Wyoming, I followed and found you here.”

Arthur nodded, not knowing what to say, because when John left, they were in Texas, stayed there for a month and then traveled through every central state. For John to track them, he must’ve started long before he finally succeeded, even with the gang not having the same mobility as the lone rider.

He wanted to come back a long time ago.

“I missed you,” John said suddenly, shyly.

Arthur looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time. John had a soft smile on his face but it vanished quickly when the immediate response wasn’t ‘I missed you too’, it was just silence.

Was he saying about the gang or just Arthur? Was he just explaining his reason to return or saying how he really felt all this year.

It was comforting to know John missed him just as much as Arthur missed him. But he stayed silent and all the progress they made during those few hours was gone like that. They both took two steps back, returning to the status quo.

Arthur cursed himself for hesitating and his cowardness but it was too late to say it back now. John was looking away and the cold between them was back.

* * *

They didn’t catch anything that day, not that they tried. After it got dark, they set up the camp for the night and sat down by the fire, preparing food and not speaking again. The silence was haunting, it ringed in Arthur’s ear, burned his chest when each breath was only to get some air into his lungs, not to speak.

John sat on the opposite site of the fire, looking at the flames, curled like a child in the womb, vulnerable. Arthur wondered if it was a trick meant to make him feel guilty for not welcoming John like everybody else, but John wasn’t that smart, he wasn’t that much of an actor either.

“You want warmed beans?”

Arthur didn’t have anything better, smarter or meaningful to say. He was just as scared as John, this was new to both of them, they were never so apart before, so distant. Arthur didn’t know how to treat that situation, how to make it better, how to not make it worse. All he knew it was hurting them both.

“Warmed,” John answered, finally looking at him. It was a scared stare, with regret and sadness to create that pathetic look of a kicked puppy that was present on John’s face. “Arthur… I’m sorry.”

Arthur was expecting those words to hit him more. Relieve him or anger him, whatever. Instead he felt nothing. Without a word, he passed the already warmed can of beans to John who took them without even sparing them a glance, he was just staring at Arthur, waiting for something, anything. It was obvious he wasn’t going to say anything more.

“What do you want me to say to that?” Arthur asked with a sigh.

“Okay, John,” he suggested timidly. “I forgive you, John.”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Arthur asked harshly, surprised that his anger was back. Maybe it never went away, maybe it was just waiting for the perfect moment to hurt John back just like John hurt him. “Forgive you so easily like the rest of the gang?”

If it was a normal argument, John would answer with his own anger and frustration. But it was anything but a normal argument. It wasn’t even that. Arthur was seeing it as a medicine which they didn’t know how to use. In the end it would either heal them or poison them more.

“I was hoping you would,” John admitted, bending his head in shame.

“You left, John,” Arthur reminded him.

“I know.”

Arthur didn’t think so.

“You left,” he repeated, getting really livid. “You left for a god damn year. Without a word, without saying when you’ll be back. After you told me you loved me.”

The last part hurt the most. So much so he tried not to think about it during this year. After he and John left after their last talk, when he was laying in his cot before falling asleep, he let himself think about John’s words.

_ I love you. _

He even let himself hope like a fool for a moment that they could really be together and he was just being silly about resisting it. But then reality crashed back onto him. John had a wife and a child. John was only twenty one, he was still young and didn’t understand life. This wasn’t some choice Arthur was given by the younger man. It didn’t even matter anymore because he said what he said and there was no taking back those words.

He fully expected them to talk again in the morning after they both calmed down. Arthur wanted to thank John for his words last night. For the love and the promise to always be together, even if it couldn’t be the way Arthur wanted. John deserved to know that just because they couldn’t – shouldn’t be together – Arthur wasn’t throwing John’s love away, he appreciated it and John would always be dear to him like no one else before him. No matter what, they would always be a family. 

But by that time, John was gone and all his words from a few hours ago didn’t matter anymore, all those promises felt empty. Arthur felt betrayed and yet he still followed John like a fool because he loved him too and couldn’t bear the thought of living without him.

“You rejected me,” John explained in a whisper so quiet Arthur barely heard it over the crackling of the fire.

How could he not? That love was dangerous for them and John wasn’t even his to claim anymore. He hesitated for too long and before he knew it, John was a father with a baby on the way. Arthur’s heart broke for the first time that day.

When John told him he loved him, Arthur was so happy and for a short moment, he thought he still had a chance. But John was being an irresponsible kid who would change his mind eventually, who didn’t know what he wanted, how much he would be risking his life and what he was rejecting by wanting to be with a man. Arthur couldn’t do that to him, to Abigail and little Jack.

John didn’t mean what he said and even if he did, Arthur wasn’t egoistical like that to steal a chance to be a father from him. So he said the only thing that felt right in that moment.

_ I don’t love you. Not like that. _

How could he even say those words when he knew how much rejection hurt? How much it breaks a person.

That was the moment John’s heart broke and Arthur was so guilty he wanted to take it back right away.

He didn’t. He let John nod disappointed, he let tears gather in those brown eyes and he let him walk away. First from him and then from the gang the same night. The guilt that accompanied him from the moment he realized what he had done was stronger than any anger or misery he was feeling. While the last two weakened with time, the guilt was always there, hovering over him like a monster that didn’t want to go away, no matter how many times he said ‘I’m sorry’ while laying awake late at night.

He was sorry but there was no one to apologize for. Because he chased him away. 

It was a long time since Arthur hated himself for something like that. Last time for not being there for his woman and boy when they needed him. He wanted to do things right that night but he scared a little child’s father away and lost John forever.

Or so he thought.

“So you ran.” Arthur wasn’t looking at him, afraid that he might want to punch him again. John’s cheek was still red from the last time. “You ran like a coward, not caring what it would do to others, proving that I was right and it was just a stupid, young love of a kid who had no problem throwing it away the moment it didn't work out. I looked for you for a month not even knowing if you was alive!”

Arthur knew he had no right to speak about being a coward when he was a coward himself. But he wanted to make John talking and this was the only way. To provoke him to defend himself. He expected John to say just that, to call him a hypocrite, but he didn’t. Maybe he did change. Not his appearance, but he did grow up a little.

“I know, Hosea told me,” he admitted with guilt. Good, he should feel guilty. “I was sure nobody would even miss me,” John confessed with shame.

“Nobody would miss you?” Arthur repeated through gritted teeth, standing up and going around the fire. John stood as well and took a stance like he wanted to run. Again. “Hosea missed you, Dutch missed you. I missed you, you egoistical sonofabitch!” he yelled. He couldn’t believed John was so stupid that he thought nobody cared for him. But he supposed it was his fault and his words. Even if he told John he loved him, it was spoken harshly like a lie, not a real confession. He could fix that now. “Every day I was waking up hoping that I would hear your voice, see your stupid grumpy face you always have in the morning. That I would feel you pressed against me while shooting our way out of trouble, hear that dying sound you call laughter while we would be messing with some O’Driscolls. But you was never there, you was gone!”

Whatever John expected, it wasn’t that. Maybe he expected Arthur to be cold towards him again, rejecting him again, not this, not his heart being in the open with all the feeling hidden inside.

“I’m sorry, alright?” No, it wasn’t alright, it wasn’t changing anything. “Just, with everyone nagging me about the child and you rejecting me I felt like nothing was holding me in the gang anymore. I felt like everyone hated me for not being a father to the kid.”

Arthur knew John ran also because of Jack. That he didn’t want to be a father. But only now he was realizing how hard it really was for him. Nobody was on his side, not even Arthur, he felt trapped and his only chance to feel loved again, by the person that always had his back at that, ended with a rejection. No wonder running away seemed like a good idea at the time. He could be away from the person that broke his heart and the child he didn’t want.

And yet here he was now, a year later and ready to stay. 

“Then what made you come back?” Arthur asked softly, hopeful. It couldn’t be for Abigail, John still wasn’t ready to be a father and that could mean only one thing.

Arthur held his breath and his heart skipped a beat when John looked at him with so much sincerity it was crushing Arthur. And that smile, that bloody smile, so shy and loving, and only ever directed at him.

“You,” he breathed, taking an uncertain step towards Arthur who just stood there, listening, ignoring how hard his heart was beating. “I came for you. Because I made a mistake that night. I never doubted you loved me back, I knew you were just scared, yet I was the one who ran away like a coward. I should’ve stayed and talked to you in the morning, convinced you that you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by being with me. But I just left and you have no idea how guilty I was feeling all this time. I told you I loved you and I just left, I couldn’t have hurt you more than that. But I finally decide to fight for you. For us.” John took another step and grabbed Arthur’s hand gently. Arthur let him, too captivated by what John was saying to protest. It was everything he wanted to hear after the younger man left. He wanted to hear that their last talk wasn’t a lie. “I came back for you, it was always for you. I love you, Art, I loved you since I was sixteen, it was a young love back then but I promise it isn’t now, I want to be with you. Forever.”

Arthur’s breath hitched, the hand John was holding was burning with desire to hold back, to entwine their fingers together and never let go. But what stopped him a year ago was still stopping him now.

John still loved him, he wasn’t just confused then, it wasn’t just something he would grow out from one day. They could be together like Arthur always wanted even before Abigail appeared. John wanted him and he wanted John. He loved him back and nothing would make him happier than saying this to him, being with the person that understood him like no one else, that always had his back and now returned to him, even though Arthur was sure that would never happen, that John, the only person he wanted to have by his side forever, abandoned him like everyone else.

John returned only to him. John loved him.  _ John, I… _

But Abigail…

It pained him but he took his hand back and moved one step away, watching as hope in John’s eyes died. It was there and then it was gone like that. 

“I won’t tell you anything that I didn't say the last time,” he said, even if he wanted to say something completely different, everything he didn’t have a chance to before because John left. “You’re a father…”

Unlike the last time, when the tears appeared in those eyes, this time it was the opposite. That familiar fire burned in John’s gaze when he interrupted Arthur. “I don’t care!” he shouted, there was no one for miles to hear them, it was just the two of them and their hearts on their sleeves. “I can be a father and have you as well. Why do you force me to be with a woman that I don’t love? Why do you refuse yourself love?”

“She’s the mother of your child. She loves you.”

Wasn’t he realizing how much they would hurt Abigail? That just wasn’t right.

“And I love you, not her. She’s not my wife,” John said, softer, gentler, like he was speaking to a skittish horse. Arthur felt like one. He was scared to lose John again, he was scared to lose another chance to have him, he was scared to hurt Abigail. “I didn’t promise her anything and you wouldn’t be stealing me from her because I was never hers to begin with.” John’s voice was raising again, all the frustration he must’ve been holding inside all this time finally reaching its breaking point. “You want me to take care of the baby and support Abigail, fine, but I won’t love her. I love you, understand that already and let yourself be loved, you selfless bastard!”

Arthur stared at him in surprise. John was panting, his chest raising and falling heavily with each breath and the fire was back in his gaze. He was fighting, just like he said. He wasn’t letting go easy like the last time. He really grew up, he wasn’t a kid that just accepted rejection and ran anymore. He was a man knowing what he wanted. And he wanted Arthur. Somehow his determination was making him harder to resist than the tears and defeated look on his face when they had the same talk last time.

Arthur wanted this man. He wanted him so bad and his defense was crumbling. He had no arguments to reject John again. He loved him back and John knew that, Arthur couldn't just lie to him anymore. Abigail loved John but he didn’t love her, forcing him to be with her would only make them both miserable. Arthur knew how it felt to lose one love but he also fell in love again. Abigail could do that too and be happy with someone who really loved her.

He didn’t want to reject John, he didn’t want to do that a year ago and the thought of doing it one more time, not knowing if John wouldn’t run again, was scaring Arthur. He just got him back, he didn’t want to lose him again.

Part of him was angry that John was still rejecting what he got, what Arthur wanted but what was ripped away from him. And John was tossing it away so carelessly, like he could still have another chance later on and it wasn't his last.

But that part was quickly silenced because he was just happy that John still wanted him, even after the pain Arthur caused him, even after driving him away. This time his egoism won. He just wanted to be happy for once, think of himself and no one else. Stop being a selfless bastard like John put it.

He knew he would come to feel guilty about it later but he didn’t care at the moment, he just finally wanted to do what he wanted for a few years now. He wanted John to be his and he wasn’t going to let that chance slip away from him this time.

Arthur lunged himself at the younger man, grabbed his face in his hands and kissed him with all the love and anger and fear from the last year, and John kissed back with just as much, confirming Arthur that it wasn't only a one time thing. John didn’t kiss him like a kid who didn’t know what he was doing and was just experimenting, he kissed like a man on a mission, sure of his feelings and desires, firmly seizing Arthur’s face with his hands and pressing their lips together so hard it hurt. 

Arthur had no idea why John chose him over Abigail and having a child but he wasn’t going to question it. Not this time. He just finally wanted to be happy and John was making him that.

They ended the kiss out of breath, panting into each other’s mouths. John rested their forehead together and they just stood there, embracing and breathing with the same air. Arthur had his eyes closed but he knew John was watching him, maybe he was smiling too, he could kiss him to check but he had something to say before that, something he wanted to say a long time ago, something that he should’ve said after rejecting John instead of watching him walk away.

“Don’t leave me,” he begged with a sob, finally allowing himself to fully cry. John hugged him tighter, placing Arthur’s head against his neck. Arthur grabbed the back of his coat and wept with relief. “Please. I already lost Eliza and Isaac, Mary left me and then you…” He took a shaky breath before continuing. “I’m sorry for what I said then, for rejecting you, for sounding like I didn’t care. Don’t leave me ever again, please.”

“It’s okay,” John shushed him and kissed his hair, brushing it with one of his hands while the other was drawing soothing circles on his back. “I won’t leave you. I promise you, Arthur. I’ll never leave again.” Arthur believed him. “I love you.”

Arthur raised his head and looked at John’s smiling face. The younger man gently wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes. Arthur smiled back and without any fear, trembling of his voice or hesitation, finally said it back like he always wanted to. “I love you too. God, Johnny, I love you.”

He never said any words with such ease, with such confidence. And saying something never felt so good, so free.

Now he really felt like all the weight was gone from his chest and the heart in his chest was going to burst, especially when John’s smile grew and he laughed gleefully before hugging Arthur close, crushing him in his embrace. Arthur chuckled back, feeling at peace after one of the most miserable years of his life.

John kissed him again, with so much force they stumbled a little. Arthur kicked something while trying to keep his balance and realized it was a can of beans.

“There goes your dinner,” he murmured against John’s lips.

“Don’t interrupt me when I’m kissing you,” John scolded him and with another chuckle from Arthur, they returned to kissing.

Some fear of abandonment was still in him, lurking in the back despite John’s promises. He feared that John would leave again or realize he wanted a real family after all. Arthur wouldn’t survive that. He couldn’t lose another person so dear to him, not when he finally stopped being scared and took what John was offering again, even if Arthur didn’t deserve a second chance or shouldn’t steal a father from a young boy.

He silenced that part of his mind. He believed John, not his fears, no matter how scary they seemed. It wasn’t the time to fear anyway, it was time to enjoy, because John was his, their foreheads were touching again, their breaths mixing together, tears flowing, arms wrapped tightly around each other, afraid to let go.

They made love that night for the first time, with Teton Range rising high above them. It was awkward, a little painful on both parts and embarrassingly quick.

And it was perfect because it was theirs.


End file.
